I'm still alive!

I can't believe I've been away for over a year. I was so excited for my trip to America, and then towards the end of 2024, things happened. Not good ones. So I was not really in the right mindset. And then 2025 arrived, and I started feeling more hopeful about the future, focusing on new things and letting go others. But while I became more optimistic, burn out started building up, until the day I couldn't go to work any longer. I'm back to work now, but part-time, and it's probably going to stay this way (I'm very grateful for my boss, who is amazing and supportive).

2025 has been a weird year. It went by so quickly, and I think that's one of the reasons why I hadn't posted in so long. I was really excited during the first part of the year about making it the best year of my life, and while it didn't go exactly as planned... well, I'm pretty relieved about a few things. I was feeling guilty about not working full time anymore (becoming a burden for my family, not being able to live like someone "normal"), but in the end that's what works for me, as an autistic person. I can feel myself be less anxious and tired.

To be frank, I'm still coming to terms with my autism diagnosis even though it's something I wanted. Sure, it's good to understand what's going on, to make life easier to navigate, but at the same time I can't help feeling like a failure. There are still things from my past popping up in my mind sometimes, and I get those "oh." moments when you realise how much of a wall autism has been at that moment, something you were not able to see at the time. It's very odd. I've always felt like I didn't belong, but at the same time I didn't feel like I was that different, you know? It's like... wow. It was worse than I thought. Maybe it's actually not, but right now it's hard to tell.

And there's also the fact that when you're diagnosed, you start acting more autistic. It's comforting to know that a lot of people go through that haha, but it highlights parts of me I don't like. Like the fact that I get more aggressive when I feel overstimulated. As soon as I calm down I start hating myself for acting like that. And I know I'm ill, but at the same time it doesn't give me the right to act like that.

Sooo... 2025 has been a very introspective year. Nothing much happened in my life, except the burn out and the fact that I work less now. The rest was all in my head. But the year ends on a hopeful note. 2026 is going to be less stressful for me, and I'm sure that little by little I will be more accepting of my autism and myself in general. It almost felt like 2025 was a prologue to something.

Mood: Despite the depressing post, I'm alright!

Reading: The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

Playing: Radiant Tale

Craving: CREPES

New theme, new theme!

Surprise! The new theme is here!

Okay, it's been online for a week now haha. But it's finally here, after so much time. I'm a bit of a perfectionnist so I had a hard time letting go of my expectations and just enjoying what I came up with, and then it remained untouched for a long time, only coming back to it a few times (God it's a lot of "times"). And now that I'm done, I want to start thinking about a new one! Because I know it's going to take time before I put it online. And it's fun! There are so many other neocities websites with beautiful and fun themes, and I hope that little by little I become better at coming up with more interesting themes. But in the end, what matters is that I enjoy the process. It reminds me of my early years as a teenager on the internet, when I loved creating themes for forums. I had tried making my own website, but coding felt too complicated then. 13 years old me would have been so proud of what I do now haha, even though my knowledge is very basic.

I almost want to make a second website... But I have no use for one, at least for now! Plus I have shrines to make, and I love how they can all be their own little websites. But making a whole new website from scratch... it's exciting. Ah, well! It doesn't cost anything and I can do and make whatever I want, so I shouldn't worry too much about that. As long as I can create, experiment and have fun!

Mood: Fine but don't wanna go to work tomorrow kkdqkk

Reading: A Sign of Affection by Suu Morishita

Playing: Ozmafia!! and Reverse: 1999

Craving: Ice cream, always more ice cream

July update

Four months... Four months without writing an entry. My mind goes everywhere haha, I do want to focus more on my website but I have so many other things I want to do too... Drawing and writing and reading and playing more games.

Do I feel better than during the time I wrote the previous entry? Yeah! Shortly after writing it, I started working part-time for 2 months because I was feeling terrible. My doctor wanted me to have the entire time off but I was scared it would make going back to work more difficult at the end of it. Working only in the morning gave me time to rest. Now I'm working full time again and my mental health is better. I'm still looking forward to my two weeks of holidays in August haha.

Something very important happened too. I've been diagnosed as autistic two days ago. This is such a relief, because I've spent my whole life searching for an answer to my problems. Not a solution, I just needed to know why. I started thinking that I might be last year, because the more I thought about it the more it made sense. I thought it would explain everything I've been through in my life. And I heard that many people, especially women, were diagnosed late. So maybe that was the case for me too?

And yeah, it is. I was so glad when I got my diagnosis! And yet... I started feeling a bit bad too, you know. Because it made a lot of things that happened in my life make sense. I know, I've already say that just before, but when you actually get the diagnosis, it's not the same anymore. You think about all the times you were treated unfairly or when you struggled, just because you were different. It slowly transforms from a feeling of relief into a feeling of sorrow. I also got with my diagnosis a 20-page-long file, and I realized that things about me I thought were totally normal are actually not. It's just... wow, I'm not the person I thought I was. And I'm still mourning that identity a little. It's weird.

Anyway. Hopefully the negative feelings about it go away soon, I probably just need to get used to the idea. Thank you for reading, I didn't expect this entry to go into a sadder direction haha. It's fortunate that in general my mood has improved.

Mood: Alright

Reading: Tomie by Junji Ito

Playing: Ozmafia!! and Reverse: 1999

Craving: Cold bubble tea

March already?

I can't believe it, time flies! And at the same time, the last few months have been a bit hard for me. I already spoke about it in the previous entry. Long story short, it's only getting better because my doctor has been giving me a higher dosage for one of my meds. I hope it stays like this! Keeping my fingers crossed.

I haven't had much motivation to do anything. I'm reading less, drawing less. I'm trying to get back into everything but I feel so tired. The fact that I fell ill recently didn't help (painful stomach issues, but I'm slowly getting better thanks to my treatment), so recently I've just been playing games, watching videos and resting. I'm basically a slug. A slug that can't even eat what it wants because of its stomach. Fortunately there's a thing I'm looking forward to this year! I'm gonna go to the USA in a few months, and spend time with my girlfriend. I've never been to America before, so I'm excited! There are so many things I want to see and try. And hopefully we can go to Orlando! I love traveling but I haven't had the occasion to do it much these last few years, so that's my biggest plan for this year.

Finding other projects and plans for this year would be a good idea, but it can be hard when you don't have much motivation. I was originally planning on going to Japan Expo again this year, but with the Olympic games taking place in Paris shortly after, I was afraid it would get too stressful and expensive. I also wanted to save money and vacation days for my big trip, so I probably should find a new thing to do that's not expensive. Because for now, I feel like I'm just waiting for time to pass. Ugh, I wanna be excited about life again. Hopefully my next blog entry is more joyful!

PS: Oh yeah, I got a new piercing last week! A conch one! I had wanted one for years and omg I'm so happy with it! Maybe I'll post a pic someday!

Mood: Meh

Reading: Gilded by Marissa Meyer

Playing: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy and ACNH

Craving: Cheeseburgers and chocolate cakes